I did manage not to engage in any overt ED behaviors while I was gone.
I ate mostly what I was supposed to, didn't exercise on the sly, didn't cut, didn't purge.
Which makes this the first trip I have abstained from all of the above since the beginning of the ED.
There was, however, hell to pay. The thoughts were maddening.
Wouldn't I feel better if I didn't eat? If I race walked around the lobby of the hotel?
If I took laxatives? Had fun with sharp objects? It's like some sort of whiplash.
You're moving forward at this spectacular rate and then WHAM!
Reality hits and you realize it ain't over until it's over.
I want so desperately for this to be over.
I believed that since I've been doing all the right things, talking about all the right stuff, that things would feel better, too.This is the crappy part they don't tell you about.
This is the part where so many people relapse: if you do see the light at the end of the tunnel, it sure does look like an oncoming train. And I know from experience that the AN behaviors will make me feel better. Temporarily.
But the ugly truth is that, no matter how many good days you have, the monster is still in there, in your head. Sleeping. Waiting.
The ugly truth is that you can be sitting in your comfy chair after a stressful
Sunday having to work when the monster decides to wake up.
I ate mostly what I was supposed to, didn't exercise on the sly, didn't cut, didn't purge.
Which makes this the first trip I have abstained from all of the above since the beginning of the ED.
There was, however, hell to pay. The thoughts were maddening.
Wouldn't I feel better if I didn't eat? If I race walked around the lobby of the hotel?
If I took laxatives? Had fun with sharp objects? It's like some sort of whiplash.
You're moving forward at this spectacular rate and then WHAM!
Reality hits and you realize it ain't over until it's over.
I want so desperately for this to be over.
I believed that since I've been doing all the right things, talking about all the right stuff, that things would feel better, too.This is the crappy part they don't tell you about.
This is the part where so many people relapse: if you do see the light at the end of the tunnel, it sure does look like an oncoming train. And I know from experience that the AN behaviors will make me feel better. Temporarily.
But the ugly truth is that, no matter how many good days you have, the monster is still in there, in your head. Sleeping. Waiting.
The ugly truth is that you can be sitting in your comfy chair after a stressful
Sunday having to work when the monster decides to wake up.
OUT OF NOWHERE the voice tells you how much better it would feel to empty out your stomach and go workout, like you had planned to do before you came home tired and hungry and decided just to try and relax and enjoy some wine and healthy leftovers.
I need some time to reflect on all my wrong doings, a space for me to hide to cry to scream and yes, i need love, care and more happiness; can you provide them?
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